703 Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback
This is a OPEN AI summary of the Tim Ferriss Podcast #703- visit www.TinyTim.blog for more AI summaries, or www.Tim.blog for the official Tim Ferriss Podcasts.
In this episode of The Tim Ferriss Show, Tim Ferriss interviews Sheila Heen, a specialist in conflict resolution and author of "Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and Frankly, Youre Not in the Mood)". They discuss the importance of handling difficult conversations well in order to maintain healthy relationships. Sheila offers advice on how to approach feedback in a way that is curious and forward-looking, rather than immediately trying to decide whether or not to agree with it.
Sheila Heen discusses how to handle difficult conversations, including how to de-escalate them and how to ask the right questions. She gives an example of how she handled feedback on an example in her book that received negative reactions.
The author describes an experience of sexual harassment where she was the team lead on an international project. One of the team members started making romantic advances towards her, and she felt paralyzed because she wasn't sure if she was reading his intentions correctly. She realized that she didn't need to be sure of his intentions, but just needed to describe the impact it was having on her. She also realized that she might have been inadvertently sending mixed signals by giving him special attention.
In the book "Difficult Conversations", the authors discuss a variety of reactions they received from readers. One student told them that they threw the book across the room when they got to a certain part, and the authors were curious as to why this was. They hypothesized that it may be because the reader felt that the book was blaming the victim for their situation. Other readers had strong views about what was really going on in the book, and what should be done about it. The authors are curious as to whether or not this is a reaction that is specific to American readers, or if it is something that is seen in other cultures as well.
In the original edition of the book, the author included an example of how she handled an uncomfortable situation with a coworker. However, readers misunderstood the example, thinking that the author was blaming the victim. The author tried to clarify the example, but it didn't work. Finally, the author realized that the example wasn't about her own experience, but about the readers' experiences and what they wanted help with.
Sheila Heen discusses the process of revising her book, 3rd Edition, and how she took out an example that was receiving negative feedback. She replaced it with a different example that she felt would be more helpful to readers. Tim Ferriss asks about the feedback she received on the original example, and she explains that there were some positive reactions, but they were outweighed by the negative ones. She also talks about how people often react to criticism by thinking that the thing being criticized is actually one of the things that others love about them.
Sheila Heen discusses her mixed feelings about making a revision to her book that involved removing a mention of the word "retarded." She explains that she was relieved to make the change, as it was not serving the book's purposes, but that she still feels close to the issue as it is personal for her.
Sheila Heen and Tim Ferriss discuss the importance of giving and receiving feedback. Heen emphasizes the need for both parties to be clear about what kind of feedback is being sought, and Ferriss notes that the best feedback givers will often ask for clarification to ensure they understand the request.
Sheila Heen discusses the three types of feedback: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. She explains that each type of feedback is important for learning and growth, but that different types may be needed at different times. Tim Ferriss talks about how he often asks people for feedback on his writing, and how he has learned to be specific about what he is looking for. He also talks about how Steven Pressfield gave him feedback that was just what he needed to keep going.
Sheila Heen describes the "phone a friend" tactic as a way to cultivate the ability to look at things from multiple perspectives and to receive feedback well. This involves seeking out someone who will be both supportive and honest with you, in order to get a more well-rounded view of whatever situation you're seeking feedback on.
When we receive feedback that we don't like, it can be helpful to first try to understand what might be right about it, rather than immediately rejecting it. This is difficult to do on our own, so we can ask a trusted friend to help us process it.
In this conversation, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss how to get a clear read on someone's character. Ferriss describes a friend's approach to dating, which is to spend a lot of time with the person and effectively move in with them for two or three weeks to see what happens. Heen notes the efficiency orientation toward dating and says that while it's not necessarily wrong, it's important to be aware of the lens through which one is viewing the situation.
In this conversation, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss the topic of conflict resolution in relationships. Ferriss shares that he has learned a lot about handling conflict from his ex-girlfriend, who was very emotionally intelligent. He says that he tends to address conflict openly and that timing is important when having these conversations. Heen agrees and adds that it is also important to have a shared language and set of practices for conflict resolution that both parties agree to upfront.
The speaker reflects on how their upbringing has influenced their ability to handle conflict and feedback today. They credit their time in sports with helping them to accept coaching and feedback, even when it is harsh. They note that their approach to conflict and feedback depends on the context, and that they have become much better at dealing with both in recent years.
Sheila Heen and Tim Ferriss discuss the different types of reactions people have to feedback, which can be based on whether the feedback is true, the relationship between the person giving and receiving the feedback, or how the feedback makes the person feel about themselves. They also note that some people are much more sensitive to feedback than others.
-It can take a long time to recover from a breakup, and everyone reacts differently. -Part of the challenge is understanding why you're having a reaction, and whether it's making it harder to see what's important. -When you're dating, you're trying to figure out who the other person is and what they bring to the relationship. It's hard to compare to someone you've been with for a long time. -It's also important to consider how you and the other person interact, and whether you're being honest with each other.
In a relationship, it is important to pay attention to how you feel around the other person. If you feel good about yourself when you are around them, then that is a good sign. However, if someone is over-the-top cheerful all the time, that may be a yellow flag.
In general, it is easier to resolve conflicts when both parties involved have a shared understanding of what resolution looks like. This can be achieved by using tools from resources like the Gottman Institute. It is important to remember that not all conflicts are resolvable, and the goal should be to manage them in a way that is okay and good for both parties.
The Gottman Institute is a research institution focused on studying marriage and long-term relationships. Their work has shown that eye-rolling is one of the most closely correlated indicators of a relationship fraying and eventually divorcing. This lines up nicely with the work that the Gottman Institute does to help couples identify and address the things that are causing them to get stuck in their relationship.
In this conversation, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss the importance of effective communication in relationships. They talk about the Gottman Institute, which studies couples and their communication patterns. Ferriss shares his observations about eye-rolling and other common communication problems that often lead to divorce. Heen explains that loaded topics are chronic irritations or differences between partners that can lead to negative feelings and conflict. Ferriss and Heen agree that effective communication is essential for happy, long-lasting relationships.
Sheila Heen and Tim Ferriss discuss the importance of accommodating the other person in a relationship. They both agree that it is not always easy, but that it is worth it in the long run.
In this conversation, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss deal breakers in relationships. Ferriss says that endless processing and sharp elbows are two deal breakers for him. Heen agrees that these are red flags, and adds that monologuing and being vindictive are also deal breakers.
Sheila Heen and Tim Ferriss discuss the difficulties that can arise when two people with different strengths and weaknesses are in a relationship. Heen notes that it is important to understand that each person has their own way of handling difficult situations, and that it is important to be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses in order to avoid triggering a negative reaction in your partner.
In this conversation, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss the importance of emotional processing in relationships. Heen observes that for some people, part of what makes them feel safe or secure in a relationship is to rock the boat. Ferriss agrees, and adds that he thinks he may have contributed to that dynamic in his own relationship by not being very demonstrative of positive reinforcement (i.e. words of affirmation). They both share that they are working on this issue in their own lives.
Sheila Heen and Tim Ferriss discuss the importance of giving and receiving feedback, and how to do so effectively. They suggest having a conversation with the person you want to give feedback to about what makes them feel appreciated, and to be specific and genuine in your feedback.
In order to improve a feedback culture, it is important to become a good receiver of feedback yourself. One way to do this is to ask "Whats one thing?" This question lowers the stakes and allows you to solicit feedback in a way that is less imposing.
In this excerpt, Tim Ferriss and Sheila Heen discuss the importance of giving and receiving feedback. Ferriss explains that giving feedback is a learned skill, and that it is important to be able to receive feedback in order to improve. Heen adds that leaders sometimes need to be reminded that they do not always know what is best for their team, and that soliciting feedback from others is a key part of being a successful leader.
In order to be a successful learner, it is important to be able to elicit and metabolize feedback well. This skill is transferable across many different disciplines and contexts. Sheila Heen, author of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback, offers some advice on how to do this effectively.
https://tim.blog/2023/11/09/sheila-heen-feedback/
